You'd think this an obvious statement, but somehow it manages to go right over our heads, so I'll say it again. People see things differently - and this goes double for a relationship. It's part of why we have these sayings like "boys are stupid and girls are crazy," and consistently accuse the other gender of being from a different planet.
Case in point: Matthew Santoro and Nicole Arbour. For roughly eight months this youtuber couple dated, each doing their own channels. Just recently, Matthew released a video in which he described his experience of being in an abusive relationship. He didn't name Nicole in that video, but the implication was more than clear. Shortly after, Nicole released a video entitled, "Abuse Story - My Side of Things," where she categorically denied abusing Matthew, and talked about the overall suckiness of the situation.
Of course, both sides claimed they broke up with the other person. Which I really don't care about. I'm not going to talk about it here. But I've observed a very interesting tendency of the public to take sides, especially when it comes to public breakups. In this case, the public seems to be categorically on Matthew's side - the comments of his abuse video seem to be almost universally supportive.
On the other hand, Nicole's comment section has been generally filled with nastiness.
- And it should come as no surprise. After all, our society makes it a point to stand for victims, and protect those who are hurt, which is never a bad thing. That being said...
I believe both of them.
You read that right.
I think that Nicole didn't see her behavior as abusive, and that she does view the situation as sucky, and she does wish Matthew well - and, I believe that Matthew views the past relationship as abusive, and has been genuinely hurt.
As a recovering douchebag ("recovering"), I've noticed how two sane people can watch the same interaction, and come to completely different interpretations of it. So, let me throw in a few wildly assertive relationship points that might explain exactly why both Nicole and Matthew believe what they believe.
When a strong personality with boundary issues gets in a relationship with a weak personality with boundary issues, the resulting relationship will be dysfunctional. Period.
Nicole Arbour is a strong personality, there's no denying that. On the other hand, Matthew is a sensitive, kind, caring individual who deeply values the input of others. Throw in a bit of crazy-hot-bitch jealousy, and it's unsurprising that Matthew, not being able to enforce his boundaries, quickly found himself cut off from his social life. This brings me to point two:
If you are going to wear the pants in the relationship, you had better take damn good care of your partner's emotional and psychological needs, because in the end you will be held responsible for them.
And Nicole is facing the backlash for that right now. Granted, she probably didn't want to wear the pants in the relationship, but she did, and she didn't do it well, and now she's facing the results of that. Nicole probably wanted to play the standard feminine role in the relationship. That role includes allowing the man to take a greater charge, including enforcement of boundaries. When that man doesn't know how to enforce his own boundaries (let alone take care of his significant other's boundaries)... You get where I'm going here?
Good.
The real thing to understand here is this: a personality that is famous on screen isn't necessarily the best person to be in a relationship with in real life. You may have discovered this any time in the past hundred years of observing Hollywood relationships struggle to achieve a success rate of anything beyond the five minute mark.
Matthew was bad at protecting and enforcing his own boundaries, and got hurt as a result. It genuinely sucks, and my heart goes out to him. No one deserves to be hurt in a relationship. I hope he recovers, and finds a healthy relationship, and gets to a place where he can express his boundaries and have them respected. Everyone deserves that.
Nicole may not have been intentionally abusive, but her strong personality definitely lended a hand in Matthew feeling like he did - and that's something that she will have to figure out how to deal with. One of the great lessons all people with strong personalities must deal with is learning to say no to themselves on the behalf of others - because not enough people say no to them.
Side note: Nicole. Listen darling. You dated a youtuber who puts his whole life on video, and even bragged a couple times about the popularity of your relationship in the public sphere. This may come off as a bit mean, but you should have figured this out already: If you don't want your private life public, don't involve your private life with a man whose job is making public money off his private life. How hard is that to understand?
Finally: Matthew was right. If you are abused, don't keep silent about it. Tell someone, if only your best friend at first. Even if you are male. As a guy myself, I implicitly get the inherent shame and feeling of "less than" that goes along with admitting to abuse. Here's the thing: if you're being abused, you're already at that stage. And you will only get better by getting help and getting out and getting strong again.
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