➢The following short twitter conversation is entirely relevant to what I have to say.
➢I swear, this shit happens all the time - guy meets girl, guy is entranced by girl, girl is initially attracted but starts paying the guy less and less attention. Meanwhile the guy gets a sinking feeling deep in his gut, a sense of desperation and anguish. Some call it romantic...
I call it romantic dipshittiness
I can't condemn it entirely; I've been in this exact scenario - I won't lie about this in the least. I think at this point in our culture, this is an experience most men can identify with, and for some men, it's the story of their lives. But for the sake of me not being a dick, and also for patting myself on the back for my linguistic elegance, let's go with a more proper term:
Drowning In Beauty.
Drowning In Beauty is what happens when a man comes across a woman who is so beautiful, it 'short-circuits' his brain and overwhelms his ability to act like a normal human being. In movies, this is typified by the guy sputtering and acting like a fool; in my experience the most common symptom is one most girls can identify with easily: the guy goes into "interviewer" mode, asking bland and boring questions, without having any real conversation:
Hey, so uh, what's your major? Cool. Yeah, um what's your job? Neat. Cool. What's your sign?
Etc, etc, somebody shove a gun in my mouth already. "Interviewer mode" is the most common symptom, but other manifestations exist as well: "total asshole," and "oddly silent." For the purposes of me being too lazy to explain everything thoroughly, we'll assume that even though three symptoms are completely unalike, their root cause is essentially the same:
The girl is so beautiful that the guy finds himself completely incapable of being himself. Not only can he not act like himself, he's forgotten how to be himself, for all intents and purposes.
By the way, before I brand myself as a total asshole, let me state again for the record: I've been there. On very rare occasion, I still find myself there (but only because I'm dumb and flirt over twitter). So understand, me writing this post is a case of, "I want you to fix this. Seriously, random guy on the internet. As much as I'm an asshole, I'm at least a(n) (mostly) honest one."
Like my recent post about
getting out of the Friend Zone (which totally applies in this situation too), most guys turn into assholes, interviewers, or mutes for the simple reason that
they don't know what else to do. They
literally are missing the linguistic programming necessary in order for them to not come off like a total weirdo.
This may sound counter-intuitive, like "dude just talk to her like a normal human being, duh" but it's important to understand, social habits are complex programmed behaviors which are often astoundingly resilient to any form of logic. Everything from simple behaviors like shaking hands to complex behaviors like deep conversations have mental programming involved. The same mechanism that allows us to tie our shoes without thinking also allows us to hold conversations without having to preplan the first twenty seconds of each response we give.
When a man is drowning in a woman's beauty, it is often because he's not used to relating to beautiful women in a healthy way. The
programming in terms of body language, vocal tonality, speech patterns, etc. is completely missing, for whatever reason. And so, in a very real sense, the guy
doesn't know how to be genuine, because he is in unfamiliar territory where he doesn't have control of his own neurological responses. In this way, telling a guy "just be yourself!" is akin to blindfolding him, tossing him in a room full of furniture, and yelling at him, "it's easy to get out, just walk out the door!"
Well duh, he'd walk out the door if he could see it, asshole.
This is the essence of why advice like "just be yourself" is often completely unhelpful. FYI, girls: if you've ever been on a date with a man who seems determined to force you to lead no matter
how many times you practically beg him to be a man, this is generally the reason why. Asking a man to lead when he has no idea what he's doing is like taking a teen who's never driven before, throwing them in the car, and saying, "Okay take me to the other end of the country" without a single bit of instruction. Most teens who had never driven before would be scared, and I wouldn't blame them. The same is true with men who are drowning in beauty. A man who is drowning in beauty cannot be honest, because his mind is dominated by the beauty of the woman he is with.
A man in this situation is afraid to admit the truth, because to admit the truth is to admit his inadequacy. Most guys end up running the opposite way, pretending everything is okay, and becoming a liar.
SIDE NOTE GUYS: STOP LYING TO WOMEN. THEY GENERALLY CAN SENSE WHEN YOU'RE LYING TO THEM IN BEHAVIOR OR WORD, AND IT'S A SHITTY THING TO DO.
Guys in this place are in real danger of my other favorite term:
Fear of Engagement. Because the guy is so overwhelmed by her beauty, he decides that the woman is qualified to be his mate, and thus everything he does is devoted to getting that same decision from her. All his standards instantly go out the window, and he becomes practically immune to any red flags she might give off.
Pay attention to the next thing I say, fellas, it's important:
PRE-QUALIFYING WOMEN AND REFUSING TO HOLD THEM TO YOUR STANDARDS IS NOT ONLY BULLSHIT, BUT IT'S COMPLETELY UNATTRACTIVE.
Seriously, what woman wants to be around a guy who handles her with kid gloves? What woman wants to be with a guy with no standards?
If you lack the capacity to reject a woman you're with based on her bad behavior, then she cannot respect you.
So let's fix this issue. Pay attention again guys, because here is the gold. This is how you get out of your head when you're stuck there, when you're busy being 'booty blinded,' and you realize you're losing the girl.
Stop the conversation. Get her attention. Take a deep breath, let the silence hang for a moment. And try something like this:
"Listen, I've been stuck in my head for the past bit and it's been killing me, because I feel like I can't give you the attention you deserve. Give me a minute here, I need to take a moment to get rid of any expectations or neediness, okay?"
Chances are she will be dumbstruck, but either way nearly any girl who's a decent human being will give you that space. Take that moment, take a few deep breaths, and..
Let go of any expectations or neediness
Stop expecting her to be perfect
Stop needing her to like you
Nobody is perfect, and the only person who needs to like you is you.
Now go out there and make her speechless.
Update, 08/05/2017: This post is in serious need of revision. While some of what I say is accurate, it's important to note that generally the following is true:
The higher the fear of rejection by a woman, the more a guy is likely to act like a fool. Generally, the more beautiful the girl is, the higher the fear of rejection.
